Alexandria Cook's blog

I dont think anyone ever makes me feel as shit as you can.

This is why i was upset yesterday...

1. I had rushed around making sure everything was tidy and nice when you came home, and therefore late for work.
2. I made sure everyone knew where they were going and when
3. I finished work late so rushed to get changed in work and get petrol and get home all to find that what id planned was over by the time i got there.

How is that fair? I had a shit day at work, i was looking forward to just coming home having my dinner with everyone and giving you your present but no! Thats why I was upset because everytime I plan something or do something yet again to make you happy you ruin it. You couldnt have waited what 15 minuets for me to get home ? Why do I bother to arrange anything, its a ghood job i didnt arrange a meal like i was going to is it ! I try to be nice so you have a nice day because all you ever do is make out i dont do anything for you, i spent money i dont really have and you couldnt give me 15 minuets to get home from work. But yeah now im over dramatic and over the top. No i wasn't i was pissed off and upset and yeah nans gonna stick up for you and make me feel even worse but no really seems to understand how shit you make me feel everyday about not doing stuff for you so i thought one day ill prove you wrong, when you just proved me right. You actually dont give a shit. You replaced me with my boyfriend and though "oh alex will be fine she can have her dinner on her own while the rest of us just sit her" "shes late form work thats her fault im hungry" I think hes the only decent one taht actually didnt want to eat his food because i wasn't there and he knew I'd be upset.

Urgh your just full of shit and im fed up of it I dont want to be around you or any of you for that matter. Whatever i do im the bad guy and im made to feel like shit. Why should i have to deal with that on top of everything else!

All you ever do is bring me down & make me cry. I cant do it anymore I have other things I need to concentrate on and do but I always end up finding myself on here ranting about you everytime you upset me.

Oh and anoher thing dont fucking talk about me when im not there. Im your daughter not your fucking friend! You have no reason to talk about me or slag me off everything i fucking do is to keep you happy!

"oh i cant do this my mam will have a go at me"

 " oh i better go do that before mam comes home so she doesnt shout"

But even though i do those things you still manage to come home and make me feel so small and shit its unbelievable.

You try to succed not fail.

It's what I want to do with all my heart. But it's just seeming less and less likely.

So slowly im coming to terms with the fact that its not what I can do, so im looking at other options.

It doesn't mean I want to do it any less.

But day after day its just seeming pointless, I failed once. Why try just to fail again ?

I've just lost all motivation because I just dont feel like I cant do it anymore.

Friends,...?

I guess I've just grown up and apart from them. Compared to them I've had to deal with alot more responsibility for years. But its only now their realising what responsibility is, where as I've gone past that and im living my life for me now. I just dont seem to be around them much anymore, and they sure as hell aint missing me. I'd rather be around new people, but at the same time its nice to be with friends. But it just doesn't seem all that easy to be around them anymore, I can be myself around them, but its just you have to know what you can say and what you cant, I guess thats just girls though.

I just dont know.

There's nothing to talk about with them, they dont have any interest in my life yet they wont shut up about theirs.

I dont feel like I could have a conversation with one of them about stuff that I need to talk about.

Ahhh I dunno.

Sucks to be me right? Mehh.

Update: 15th of June (when i should be getting ready for work)

Since my last blog alot of things have been planned to change and something have changed, but then some havn't.

So I'll start on a positive, the changes. I've started to rebuild my realationships with my dad and nan, which is good, because I finally feel like i have some family to turn to when I need support or something. Im happy about this, yeah they still say stuff i dont agree with and whatever but im not gonna get involved im just happy I have my dad and my nan back.

Secondly, the plans. Im moving out. Well we're moving out. It's not gonna be for a while and when it does happen its gonna be one hell of a struggle, but i dont have to live here anymore...

Which brings me to the things that havn't changed, my mother. No surprises there, I dont even want to go into it im fed up of expalining the things she does. I just hurts, im fed up of her making me feel like shit, it makes me ill, im exhausted from arguing, I've got constant headaches, shes not acting like my mother atall, i cant speak to her or tell her anything, but yet its all my fault because I've changed im a different person? No it called growing up and your not fucking helping.

I just can't do this anymore.

I cant wait to move out, not just because of her because it's gonna be just us, no one to get involved, no one to anwser to only each other, its gonna be a completely different life with the person i love more than anything and i cant wait. It's gonna be exactly the kind of challenge and change we both need.

I love you baby, you just annoy me sometimes like when you ring me and im upset because i've argued with my mam, no one seems to understand the affect it has on me so no one understands why i get so upset. Then you ring and its like you just rang to find out what happend and you dont have time to listen to how it makes me feel.

Thanking you.

x

 

Blog,

This is starting to become more of a diary now huh? I kinda like it, makes me feel like i've got some to talk to, someone who wont judge me or keep on.

Anyways, things did change from the last blog but lasted about what... a week or two.

Money problems are back, relationship with my Mother... well barely exists and im fed up of it, I cant be arsed to try anymore, she's pathetic, the things she's done and said the last couple of weeks are just unforgivable. I think its safe to say we dont have a relationship and funny enough im fine with it. I just wish I could move out already to save the hassle of arguments and stupid shit. She knows nothing about me anymore, she's no idea how many job interviews I've been for, where I am half the time, how im doing in uni, that Im supposed to be doing voulentery work. It upsets me because I am basically alone, I dont really have a parent I can turn to if I need them, which sucks but whatever im fine on my own.

I dont like the fact that I have to sit and listen to everyone on about their lives lately and no-one will take interest in mine.

No-one even notices im not there anymore, like now for instance it's Ross's brithday they just cut the cake and im upstairs because my mam started on me already about something stupid. So I came up to my room I've been up here half hour and no-ones noticed im not there. No-one ever does.

I cant seem to catch a break on the job front, either they want full time people wth no other commitments or they just dont want me. It's getting tiring constantly looking and applying for jobs, it's seems that all i've been doing for the last 6 months and yet not even a second interview.

Lifes not looking all that peachy atm blog I must say, but when is my life ever peachy there's always one thing that happens which triggers off a stream of shit things.

On top of that my health is gone to shit, i feel constanly sick no matter how much I eat or dont, hence why in the last week I've taken 4 pregnancy tests, all negative of course.

Well blog, that's my moan for this end of the month out the way.

See ya x  

Dear Blog,

You've been neglected these last couple of weeks, my life has seemed to take over me and I havn't been able to reflect.

I guess things have been hard the last couple of weeks, I thought I'd lost all my friends and felt alone for a long time. So im concentrating on regaining my friendships, building on them because their important to me and my happiness.

I've had money problems and let it get to me but who doesn't. I'm over that mole hill now me & my mother are back on good terms (touch wood) .

I've had relationship downs, and not enough up's to balence them out. We've argued so much I just feel like we need to have some sort of space, I don't mean a break or whatever but days where we dont see each other or if we do only for an hour, so I can focus on my friends and family and rebuilding myself, finding myself again because I just felt like I lost me for a while. But now the sun's back and im getting there. I dont love him any less, that not physically or emotionally possible. But absense makes the heart grow fonder right. That's what im going to live by from now on because I need to know that I can be without him so I know how to be with him again without getting annoyed fustrated or end up in arguements. Thing is we need to equal this out with out us time, which we have at the end of the month, this always makes things better :)

I've had self esteem problems and health problems but they all go away with change of attitude so im working on it.

Im getting back to myself blog, im trying not to let things get onto of me or at me. I cant do it anymore.

Over & out.

See how im doing on the next report, is it ? 

x

It's not what I wanted but I guess people just dont care anymore.

I've just lost all my friends.

They all talk about me behind my back, they arrange stuff and don't invite me, go places and don't invite me.

I don't get what I've done.

They hurt me yet im being punished and losing my friends for it.

I can't make the effort anymore cause everytime I do this just happens again. It's not nice knowing your completely alone.

I havn't changed, I've had to adapt.

This has nothing to do with having a boyfriend, I've tried to make time to see them, they just don't really wanna know.

If he wasn't around my life would go back to how it was before, uni home sleep.

Guess the only friends I have left now are the new ones I have in uni, but it's just not the same.

Im fed up of saying sorry or apologising, Im the one that feels hurt and abandoned but yet I feel I have to constantly apologise to keep my friends, it shouldn't be like that.

The amount of times I've forgiven all of you for something, and that's it im just not part of it anymore.

Well fine, im good on my own anyways.

5th March 2009

I miss you.

I still keep getting dreams about you. Just stupid stuff reminds me of you.

It doesn't seem like a year, I still dont feel like I've grieved.

I love you. I'l see you again someday.

x 

And so it begins....

Im not me lately, I don't know where she's gone.

I cant shake it but I just feel lost.

I feel like I've lost sight of things, & lost all hope and faith in myself.

I dont want to see anyone because I just dont want to face it or hurt anyone any longer.

Last time I felt like this I started self harming.

What's wrong with me ? I've everything.

Why am I so low, not even a hug does it these days.

I don't have to take her shit any longer.

You know if it's just me & you I'll be there, no problem.

But lately you two come as a pair & tbh I just don't want to be part of it.

I put up with her to see my best-friend but as far as im concerned that was the last straw she doesn't get to talk to me like that and next time she see's me believe me she'll know it. She talks to me like shit and I just brush it off just so I dont cause rut's but not anymore anyone whose talked to me like that before is no longer my friend and I've put up with her shit long enough just for you, so now it's just us if you wanna do something, no Alana.